As he turned onto the interstate heading home, a mental glimpse of her saddened face flashed in his mind. Thinking of the impact of his financial state and amounts of personal debt he pondered its origin.
“Addiction fucked me up bad.”
“I ALLOWED MY ADDICTION to fuck me up bad…..I’m just fucked up”.
The guilt began to squeeze his chest thinking about all that money spent on dope, money lost and taken from him and his family because need for dope.
“All that time and money LOST”
Guilt begins to turn to anger at himself for complicating and hindering things for his family, and his dreams.
“This too shall pass.”
With a smile, he found a hint of relief. Dope hasn’t touched his lips in over a year. For a brief moment, a hint of pride breezed through his thoughts. Shortly after, he acknowledges his delusion.
“Don’t mean shit because all I’ve done is substitute. Same shit different scale and degree of drug of choice”.
It was at that moment when he realizes that his lifestyle is catching up to him. Although he has abstained from smoking dope, but still is in the addiction cycle, and has not truly recovered.
“This shit’s on me.”
No one can do it alone so they say.
“Well I’m reaching out now.”