Life is A Mess

Street at Night

As he turned onto the interstate heading home, a mental glimpse of her saddened face flashed in his mind.  Thinking of the impact of his financial state and amounts of personal debt he pondered its origin.

“Addiction fucked me up bad.”

“I ALLOWED MY ADDICTION to fuck me up bad…..I’m just fucked up”.

The guilt began to squeeze his chest thinking about all that money spent on dope, money lost and taken from him and his family because need for dope.

“All that time and money LOST”

Guilt begins to turn to anger at himself for complicating and hindering things for his family, and his dreams.

Clouds

 

“This too shall pass.”

With a smile, he found a hint of relief.  Dope hasn’t touched his lips in over a year.  For a brief moment, a hint of pride breezed through his thoughts.  Shortly after, he acknowledges his delusion.

“Don’t mean shit because all I’ve done is substitute.  Same shit different scale and degree of drug of choice”.

It was at that moment when he realizes that his lifestyle is catching up to him.  Although he has abstained from smoking dope, but still is in the addiction cycle, and has not truly recovered.

Rain in the Park

 

“This shit’s on me.”

No one can do it alone so they say.

“Well I’m reaching out now.”

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How I Got Out

This is the post excerpt.

This is the only photo I have from my my years of being on hard drugs and being at rock bottom.   When that photo was taken it was a blessing to me moving into a separate room.  Will never forget the Bethel House.
3 years later I am drug free.  Couldn’t have done it without my wife.  I am not recovered.  Still an addict.  True recovery is a lifestyle change.  I have not worked the steps.  Don’t like all the traveling and being around other people.  Has to be another way.  Thus the purpose of this blog.

Blurred night lights

This is an opportunity for me to come free with my thoughts privately to the public.  The challenge of writing something else besides memoirs is what makes what I am doing, specializing in addiction fiction, special.

I value my privacy to a fault, and perhaps I am not ready yet to come out into the world yelling out “I am a recovering addict!”  However, behind the scenes I am the one sharing my thoughts, encouragement, guidance at 3 am in the morning to anyone that has the time.